Archive | April, 2012

Wayne says: LOVE is BORA BORA!

Dear Wayne,
I’m afraid I’m losing my mind. Every time I have a break at work, or use the bathroom, or have to wait in line at the coffee shop I end up retreating back to my phone and looking at apps like Instagram to occupy my time. This hasn’t been anything other than a way to escape my immediate mundane circumstances, until lately. I know it’s creepy, but as I scroll through photos of everyone I follow, I eventually select the “info” button then the “search instagram” option then the “names and usernames” option and then I type in the name of my ex’s new girlfriend. I look at all of her photos and look at the pictures that he likes and the things that she does. I also scroll through his photos and look at the ones that she likes and read all of their comments to each other. I understand that it’s unhealthy for me to focus so much on their new relationship, that’s not why I feel crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy because I can’t get him to “like” any of my pictures, even if I take photos of the exact same thing that she does! What am I doing wrong? How can I get him to “like” me again?
Sincerely,
Desperately Needing to be “Liked”

Dear DNTBL-

Indeed- Romance does work in quizzical and curious ways. But let’s start first by changing your name from DNTBL (Desperately Needing to be “Liked”) to DIAGE-IABTHWTHSI (Damnit I AM Good Enough)-(I Am Better than Her Whoever The Hell She Is).

While your relationship may have careened off the highway, there are many ways to fill up your tank, push the gas and steer that clunker back on the road again, toward the beautiful sun stroked beach called love/romance. I’ve taken my ques from the birds and if you follow my steps below to getting him back, he will not only like you but he will actually fall back in love with you. DIAGE-you can have it all and here’s how…

1. Displays – exuberant plumage- advertise your stunning qualities with lots of colors that will razzle dazzle the eye and remember posture does help. He needs to see you looking your best, flaunt it. I’ll spell it out -accentuate the T and the A.
2. Singing – Keep song in your life- remember she’s your lifelong companion- and let that special someone know that you have that voice – the sweet sounds of melody mixed with harmony. you will quickly find your solo becoming a duet.
3. Dancing – Dancing can be seductive so show him your moves- not so much of a booty shakin’ full frontal assault, but a more subtle approach.
4. Preening – OK- This is tough one. You got to get to him- Let him know that when he enters your spatial sphere that it is safe and inviting. You don’t need to take care of him but let him know that you’re here for him. Remember romance is not Tora Bora but Bora Bora.
5. Feeding – I think this one is the ultimate seducter- Dinners is just as important as breakfast- spices and herbs are the elixir here. Men typically like to have food close at hand and the better the food, the closer he’ll be.
6. Building – This one may seem like it lacks the punch for the effort you may put in- but it’s a powerful way to grab his attention. To get you started I’ll provide a list of essentials – scented candles, fully stocked kitchen (see item 5), utensils that work, clean sheets, decent pillows, and of course cable TV. You get the gist- Think of it as your love bunker – it’s just you and him baby.. Make that date night where you stay in worth it.

If you stop checking for updates on that phone of yours and concentrate on building the most amazing you, his hat will be in his hand. Don’t forget- this is not a romantic comedy, this is your life.

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HOROSCOPES!!! Ramona’s take on yr fate.

Aries (March 21-April 19) When Pan, god of the wild, was born his mother ran screaming at the sight of the half goat infant.  His elders and peers thought that he was so damn funny looking they practically gave him an award.  It was not fair that he had to pick humility over pure honest love, but sometimes dear Aries we find strength and courage in even the deepest wounds, and then make it our own.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Have you ever heard of a cheeta blaster?  I had the highest of hopes of what a cheeta blaster could be, then when told it was an instrument that blew up a tire onto a wheel frame, I became bummed at the world’s practicality.  Nothing is wrong with being practical, it’s what keeps our feet on the ground, but sometimes when one foot after the other isn’t enough we need to make giant mountains out of mole hills just to survive.  I urge you, when the days follow the tune to tightly, just take a look at the old can opener, and give it the name “tornado extruder”, it could make all the difference.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) If you want to eat a shark for dinner that is less than 3 feet long, knock it out and stuff an oar down its throat, but don’t’ deem it safe for eating until its head is removed.  You, Gemini, are a true survivor when entering a new enviroment, but remember to cut the head off before you let your gaurd down.  Its not only for your own safelty but everyone else around.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) In the grand scheme of things, knowing what you want is only half of getting it. The path to achieving your goals is an upward climb that requires you to break in new boots and endure sudden thunderstorms.  You, my dear Cancer, are adept at knowing where you are going, just be sure that you are prepared for any unforeseen inclement weather that may be brewing up ahead.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Two major appliances will die this month.  One will be irreplaceable, the other one you only bring out when a certain crowd is around.  No matter how many toys you have, Leo, you will always impress your friends.  Take time, in the coming days, to set aside the need for veneration and give your self time to reflect on losses that can’t be found again.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Of course don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, but don’t scatter them to far either.  Sooner or later you will forget that red one under the rose bush, you’ll follow that stink to the edge of the garden only to watch it being devoured by squirrels. Keep your eyes peeled on the goods, otherwise your misplaced eggs will be forgotten.
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22) Dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot is morse code for SOS (save our souls), however dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dash-dot-dot, is morse code for SOL (shit out of luck).  It is a great trait to be as easygoing as you are but be aware that not everyone around you can go through life with such ease and forgiveness. Your subtle mistakes could translate into you waiting for the rescue boat for quite some time.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov. 21)  If you want to ask a real stumper of a question don’t already know the answer.  There is nothing for a know it all to gain but the disdain of those around them. You have a thick three ring binder full of blood felt knowledge but its worthless to reread it if you aren’t getting new information out of it.  Its time to start with a fresh piece of paper.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) Would you follow your dreams to the ends of the earth or would you take your dreams for a long walk off a short pier?  Its not your ambitions that succeeds you Sagittarius, but your ruthlessness.  Treat your dreams like a brand new puppy: feed it, pet it, love it. If you keep dragging it behind you will become nothing but a negligent dog walker.
Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 19) We all know that goats can stand on a ledge the size of a tightrope.  A girl told me the other day that “at any rate in the future the smallest kind of goat may be in outer space.”  I have no idea what that means, but its hard to imagine such a ridged animal floating down the Milky Way, however that image is truly uplifting.  Let yourself go capricorn, we all know what your capable of.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) – Sometimes friendships can start off like molasses but end up like warm honey.  The steady change from cold to warm is as natural as the sun rising from morning fog to noonday heat.  Some people may be unaccustomed to the delicate process, but don’t take that as a reason to leave.  It’s important to allow the natural world to unfold in it’s own time without your interference.  Further, it is equally if not more important that you take time to experience how that process unfolds.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Fairy tales encourage us of the possibility that there is true happiness to be found in the world. Sleeping Beauty fell victim to the witch’s curse but was released when the hansom prince slayed the witch turned dragon.  Hansel and Gretel outsmarted the witch and found their way home again.  Use these stories as motivation, Pisces.  When you show your dedication and heartfelt devotion to pursuing what you know to be right you too will live happily ever after.

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Fashion is getting crazy

Have you ever seen an item of clothing you wanted so bad but could not afford or did not have room in your closet for? Have you ever wanted to touch someone else’s clothes just cause they looked so good? You have!! I certainly have felt that way, and today’s designer HAS TOO. Check out the latest design from Harlo Payne!

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Lolly Donny Gets Busted out of Jail

It’s true everyone! Have you ever just wanted to get the f out of jail but you were going nowhere? Have you ever wanted to bust out and collect 40,000 Euros for being a dufus rex in tonton Park and Milford Gross was blocking your escape route. Have you waited and waited only to receive a crappy and bad diagnosis and THEN had to pay bunch loads of $$$ for the bad luck? Well Lolly Donny had had enough this week, I guess! He broke right out of jail and went to the MALL. HE WENT RIGHT TO THE MALL TO BUY FRESH FRUIT!! WTF. If I was locked in prison for 100 years and a half, I would not do anything but die there and if I was released I would not be able to find a job and would end up bad in JAIL. But what does Lolly think of all this? he’s like “I’m breakin out!!”

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