Last night, wee hours, classic hi end smoke billowed into the apple crisp air over the Alps. On the outskirts of a lil village time forgot, in the wet thicket, past the old mill, deep into the tree pile/fur leaf darkness alone, a cabin was high burning, valuable old wood cabin caught fire.
It was the cute cabin of acclaimed/renowned scientist and theologian, Dr. Brains Brogan. Everybody of the Alps knew he lived there alone like a freak in the woods. Everyone over there was aware of his presence, but in the woods away, everyone was skeptical, sometimes fearful, but yeah glad he did not show his face in the village & was never seen in town. He was an American scientist but had moved to the Alps in 2002 after disappearing from the USA.
Brogan’s charred banging body was found in the cabin and also, sadly, the body of one other.
Alpine authorities now say they know exactly what has happened and held a press conference early this mourning in Switzerland, the Alps (8am). Detective Stan Glass looked into the high end TV camera + told everyone watching: “It is a tragedy, yes, that any man would die, but in this case is is particularly sad/tragic that Brogan held the only cure in his addled mind. We will now not know & never will. We checked the police email last last night and what we believe happened is well known poet & theologian, Grizzly Murders of Waltham, Hono was sent to the Alpine cabin to assassinate aka murder or at least gather Brogan for a couple of reasons: On Dec 11, 2018 the Rose Family Council of Control requested Murders locate the cabin in the Alps -after catching wind that Brogan was still alive and considering releasing a book of theorems to honor the death of his closest from-school friend, Rose family father and FFF Magazine’s previous owner & head writer, Dr. Brian Rose.”
So yeah, that much is true, Rose family wanted to get our hot little hands on the manuscript and grip it tight to shreds. We had heard that Murders’d become a P.I. in recent years so we discussed and ultimately concluded, “Let’s contact him.” And we emailed [email protected] and were like:
“Hey Grizzly, It’s Blobby, So yeah, I guess you heard about my dad, I know you guys were close as kids… on another note though, I wanted to see if I/we could hire you to find an old enemy of the Rose family, someone we hate with a hard passion, I think you knew him at school, Brains W Brogan?? FUCK HIM but whatever. We caught wind he may be in the Alps living in a cabin like a freak/tool. We can offer you $250 to get him bring him and any manuscripts you may find on the property to us, in Glastonbury. We can PayPal you, does this address work? Anyway let me know.”
Murders replied within seconds saying “Not a problem.” Wow that was fast, so we figured within days we would see these men and the manuscripts on the front door of the mansion. But nothing, no one was there, no one showed up, no one came, nothing was delivered to us that we’d demanded and were prepared to pay for, yes shit all.
We had all but given up but then the cops in the Alps called us and were like, we logged into both their emails, and we think we know what happened:
Murders arrived at the cabin in the Alps at 4:43am on Saturday night/early Sunday. Brogan was deep asleep in the state known as R.E.M. sleep, dreaming, tossing and turning. Murders approached the cabin but probably had no intention of bring back Brogan alive. He set the tinderbox wood cabin ablaze and watched it burn but began to cry the fat tears that had been stored inside his human meat heart for so very many years. He wept uncontrollably, began to approach the cabin. Weeping like this and hobbling. Murders entered the flames and felt the heat on his skin and began to smell his own skin burning but it calmed him as he knew his physical body was perishing but his spirit was merging with his childhood friend in Shangri-La, the natural woods, and the inferno at 5:03am. At 6:27am Alpine village police arrived on the scene and declared both men perished and the cabin an eyesore set for demolition unless anyone wants to buy it?!
Gall was home when the cops called us to explain what had happened and inform us that we had nothing to worry about and were basically above the law, as we knew as our dad had taught us that and we’ve always felt super blessed about it.
But we also felt bad. And Gall suggested we contact a healer and arrange a seance. My sister Ghost knew a healer named Tono Blew Co so we called her at 647 989 2891. She was like “yes I’m available and perfectly willing & happy to come over to your mansion & conduct what I call the Magical Gathering with you and your family. My fee is $150 for the first hour and $95 for each additional hour (or any portion of an hour). I have to charge you, it actually takes a lot out of me. But yeah I can be there today at 4:15pm, after I drop off my brother at his training.”
When Blew Co arrived Ghost was like “what training?” and Tono went on and on about some bullshit about his training.
So we first tried to contact Brogan and see what that he might try to spread in the form of lies about daddy. But all we got was “Rose family, greetings, I’m actually doing great here in the afterlife, finally at peace, I am with your daddy and he wants to talk to you through me, through Tono, to each of you privately, he has so much he wants to say, so if there’s anything each of you wanted to say to him before he died but never got the chance to, now is your opportunity, he has hours to devote to connecting with each of you.” And we were all like “no thanks creep, yikes! jesus christ, don’t you get it?!!?!?!?” Except Erekt who started to sob, cry, whine about this and bla bla that and we were all like “Enough!!!!! PLEASE stop!! STOP Erekt, seriously, shut the fuck up, no one cares about you, fuck right off and get out of here!!!!!” He left the room finally. He was sobbing like a baby.
So then we spun the dial and got to Grizzly Murders, thank god. none of us knew him that well but we were like “yeah, let’s do this, we got this. Grizzly? You around? You on there?? HELLO? Grizz? Mr. Murders?” Then Tono started to shake a whole lot and shake and shake and yell and was crying and we were frightened but also like “this is so real.”
And in a deep low voice not her own, not normal Tono began:
“Hello *burp* y’all.
Grizzly Murderz here transmitted mentally after death from the mind heart of an orca majestic killer whale in the north sea.
I’m here to tell you that my death wasn’t an internet baited fish battle as a rumored bout about cold frozen bloody orca bites in the sea.
But when I died the tears silently dripped in torrents from my eyes as the earthly blaze of Brain’s cabin destroyed by me infernally, eternally forever burning now and my silent jealous rage justicely was exhausted, fueling the gasoline pissed flames — so now I talk only mentally.
No longer physically. This swimming mammalian brain does not seize but only flows. And Grizzly Murder’s murderous soul only flows deep, so deep, put her butt to sleep in the cold sea floes. Floes deep now dead.
And will forever resonate transmittedly to such a head.”
We were shocked cause we kind of suspected all of this, in detail, as my sister, Ghost Rose, had been watching reports on Alaska Now news about recent rare killer whale sightings in the North Sea and had found out that recently an orca had started to swim quite erratically in the North Sea, right past all guards, into through the gates, right inside to the cove where no whale ever goes, and there the creature had risen to the top of the ice flow mixed with waves, through his blow hole shouted “I was half of the man known as Grizzly Murders before this moment – and… I, he… perished. ooooooggggoooo (whale sound)…..in the flames in the Alps and my other half was flung into the body/mind of federal Judge Tennessee Johannson of Pow’s Hole, How Tow at the same exact minute of the same day: 5:03am.
And so we googled the judge and were very interested to find that, in night court, at 5:03am that very same day, Johannson had been at the bench, hurled his gavel into the air, into the audience, during the sentencing of a young man for 18 to life, flung off his court robes, left court to become a talent manager & 2 gobble up talent under the same name, his actual name, but in a particular and brand new outfit and look.
Yes it’s tragic, but yes, it’s also fantastic, come on, agree with me about this. So yeah, it’s a day in the life of being a Rose, and yes it’s sad that 2 men are dead but today we emailed to Johannson and were like “we’d like to sit down with you and possibly make a deal, can we meet soon? can you call me?” and he wrote back “Not a problem.” And we also paid for and dispatched a team to the North Sea to tag that killer whale but no word yet from the team, pretty sure we got this though. Much of our money comes from stock dividends. It’s just a whale swimming in the ocean, I know, yes the frigid ice sea, do you recognize that? and yes, I agree, a place we can’t begin to fathom, upon our same earth, but also we’re open to discussing possibilities with a whale. We’re open to its logic, confident that in the killer whale’s meat heart are fat tears like our own human ones and their flow is what made the ocean in the first place mate.
Goodnight forever Brogan + Murders. Death in shack was right for you, we can only hope you’re enjoying the Elysian Fields and Shangri-la doing problems + experiments on clouds/thrones and other ghost souls cause that’s all that’s up there honestly. Or maybe you made a cabin out of the clouds and put it in the cloud forest so to that we’re like “K, yikes.” Enjoy death doctors, it’s specifically coming for you all.