Alice Wallace is in love!

It’s not everyday that someone falls in love, it’s hardly the everyday kind of occurrence. It’s something that happens on a deep level and it is something everyone dreams about and wants more that anything else in the world. It’s an thing you want and then want? You want to touch, yeah. You want to feel, yeah sure. But ALSO, you want to get married. You have a baby from a previous relationship and you have raised it yourself and you believe, without a doubt that if you just keep loving it and not screaming at it, it will love you back. Why not right? Well we have discovered and uncovered some shit that will greatly upset you. Your baby is predisposed to fall in love with some body else. Yes, it’s true. Someday love will strike so be ready to lose something. But you are gaining something too!

Just give in.

Dear baddaddvice,

I keep resorting to a friend of mine for advice. I am provided with advice that I usually like and try to follow. This is where it gets sticky, she writes a blog called baddaddvice. What does this mean about me? Am I a pawn to her evil tricks? Does a part of my own identity disappear every time I ask her for advice and follow it? What if I start asking her about work and it starts affecting my professional life? What if I start asking her about women and it starts affecting my love life? What if I start asking her about grammar and I start typing and talking like a buffoon? What if I ask her about my dream of one day having a ranch (close to her stupid commune so they can have my manure) and being a cowboy and she rejects that dream as silly and then I never follow it and then I regret it forever and ever and ever and on until the end of time and all time after that too!?!?!?!? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devotedly, loyally and submissively yours,

Angus

 

To which I respond:

Angus, if you are asking me about this and not someone else, it’s too late for you. Give in!

Also, is badd always bad? Is bad always bad? I give you a few examples for consideration:




Either way, you’re going to need an ice pick

For the Good of the Nation wrote:

Dear Baddaddvice,

What’s the best way to pull off lobotomizing a world leader? I have limited time and resources.

Thanks!

Image source: Polygon data are from BodyParts3D maintained by Life Science Databases(LSDB)

To which I respond:

Dear FTGOTN,

This task is much more difficult to execute than a straightforward assassination, and I would first of all advise you to ask yourself whether, with your limited time and resources, that might be the way to go.

If you have your heart set on lobotomy, the method I recommend is the so-called “ice pick method” pioneered by Walter Freeman. He developed the procedure so that it could be performed by non-surgeon workers in asylums, without access to an operating room. This means that it is probably simple enough to do yourself, and can be done anywhere with little risk to the patient, other than the obvious brain chopping.

All you will need is an icepick and a small rubber mallet. A rock would probably do. Insert the icepick under the top eyelid, behind the eyesocket. Tap it with the mallet to get through the thin layer of bone, and sweep from side to side. Repeat on the other eye. Easy!

In terms of getting away with it, that’s really going to depend on your own skills, but I would say wear all your black skintight clothing and get this person in their sleep in the dead of night. I don’t think the security of world leaders is as good as it’s hyped up to be, in general.

The best part about this plan is that an icepick can be used for either an assassination or a lobotomy, which means you can put off deciding which one you’re going to carry out until the situation demands it. Good luck!

Sources:
How Lobotomies Work, howstuffworks.com
Lobotomy – Walter Freeman, wikipedia.org

Cut through your ribs

Jeffie writes from Bolivia:

I NEEDD ADDVICE!!!!

so, I’ve gone out on dates with this girl for, like, 7 nights in a row, and I admit there is a language barrier, but I am pretty sure we like eachother.  Our first date was a month ago, and i go to her work for coffee everyday.   I have been pretty clear, saying things like “quiero ganar tu corazon”.

The problem is, as she told me on our first date “tengo novio, pero es lejos”.

I don’t understand whats going on with her, but I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love.  The thing is, relationships between men and women are so different here, and I’m so confused.

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

To which I respond:

Jeffie, you say that relationships are so different there, but how am I supposed to know anything about that? To try to crack into it, I looked up some Bolivian poets writing about love and relationships. I didn’t try that hard, but I found a few poems by Jaime Saenz which give enough of a glimpse about love to assume that’s how an entire country’s culture approaches it. Here are a few lines from his High Above the Dark City:

I’ll cut off a hand for each of her sighs I’ll gouge out an eye for each of her smiles
I’ll die once twice three times four times a thousand times
just to die on her lips
with a saw I’ll cut through my ribs to hand her my heart
with a needle I’ll draw out my best soul to give her a surprise
on Friday evenings
with the night air singing a song I propose to live for three hundred years
in the loveliness of her company.

Based on what he’s written, I would say that the general approach to courtship one takes in Bolivia is one of melodrama and hyperbole. Throw yourself at her, profess what you feel to the most extreme degree that you feel it and beyond. Also don’t forget to ask her the following question: “Cuando regresa tu novio?”
Interior chest cavity

Image from Stanford Medicine