Cut through your ribs

Jeffie writes from Bolivia:

I NEEDD ADDVICE!!!!

so, I’ve gone out on dates with this girl for, like, 7 nights in a row, and I admit there is a language barrier, but I am pretty sure we like eachother.  Our first date was a month ago, and i go to her work for coffee everyday.   I have been pretty clear, saying things like “quiero ganar tu corazon”.

The problem is, as she told me on our first date “tengo novio, pero es lejos”.

I don’t understand whats going on with her, but I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love.  The thing is, relationships between men and women are so different here, and I’m so confused.

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

To which I respond:

Jeffie, you say that relationships are so different there, but how am I supposed to know anything about that? To try to crack into it, I looked up some Bolivian poets writing about love and relationships. I didn’t try that hard, but I found a few poems by Jaime Saenz which give enough of a glimpse about love to assume that’s how an entire country’s culture approaches it. Here are a few lines from his High Above the Dark City:

I’ll cut off a hand for each of her sighs I’ll gouge out an eye for each of her smiles
I’ll die once twice three times four times a thousand times
just to die on her lips
with a saw I’ll cut through my ribs to hand her my heart
with a needle I’ll draw out my best soul to give her a surprise
on Friday evenings
with the night air singing a song I propose to live for three hundred years
in the loveliness of her company.

Based on what he’s written, I would say that the general approach to courtship one takes in Bolivia is one of melodrama and hyperbole. Throw yourself at her, profess what you feel to the most extreme degree that you feel it and beyond. Also don’t forget to ask her the following question: “Cuando regresa tu novio?”
Interior chest cavity

Image from Stanford Medicine

Survival Skills

Angus wrote in via text message* with an urgent question. I’ve transcribed the exchange:

Angus: Dear baddaddvice: I’m at the American Museum of Natural History in NY which is closing very soon but I don’t ever want to leave. What do I do?

Angus: I’m running out of time here!!!!!!!!

baddaddvice: Ok I’m watching the trailer for night at the museum for tips!

 

baddaddvice: Befriend a kooky-looking old security guard

baddaddvice: Knock out another security guard and steal his clothes

baddaddvice: Get your hands on whatever weapons you can find before everything comes to life

baddaddvice: You good?

Angus: Done. Done. Done. This is going to be a wiiiiild ride!

baddaddvice: I think your best bet is a big battleaxe

baddaddvice: Practice your dinosaur-skeleton-fighting skills while you have the chance

Angus: I’m destuffing a bear and going inside. Will a bear holding a spear and an axe be a dead giveaway? Also these texts are costing me lots of money so please relay all further pieces of advice telepathically!

baddaddvice (sent telepathically): I think you are in good shape! But wait, what if the bear comes to life? Good luck!

 

*Text message advice is available to premium members only. For more information about premium membership, please email [email protected]

TIPS: Alcoholism can be cured with an acid trip

Image

Kitteh sez lay off the bottle – click for a trip you’ll never forget 

New Scientist: LSD as effective as standard treatment for alcoholism

So, according to some pretty old science being meta-analysed by new scientists, LSD is just as effective as other treatments for alcoholism. Real scientists say so! They still don’t know why, but some think that doing acid is “a bit like shaking up a snow globe” for your brain, resetting some of your entrenched neural patterns. Others think it’s the deep spiritual experience that does it.

The good news:

> Just one dose can be enough! Magic bullet cure.

> This method is great for self-medicating types, something many alcoholics will appreciate.

The bad news:

> You might have to go back in time to the 60s, when this research was originally done, to get the stuff that is good enough to do the job.

Deep Trance

Jess writes:

Dear bad advice,
My current landlady believes that I came to her for a reason. A reason other than cheap and clean accommodation. I have been sent here to be saved by the power of jesus christ and it’s up to her to save me.  For weeks I have been politely nodding and even asking a question or two as she pushes books and religion on me. She tells me that practicing yoga is witch craft and god will punish me with nose bleeds. Actually as I have been writing this she came into my room to inform me about something on god tv. She is a sweet old lady who wants what she thinks is the best for me but it’s driving me crazy. How can I politely tell her to shut the fuck up?

To which I respond:

I’m going to go ahead and assume you already told her that you are a witch, and that the last time someone tried to pull this stunt on you, you threw their box of bibles in the bonfire. If this is so, and she’s still coming after you, you’re going to have to step it up. I think your best bet is to use your powers directly against hers. Tell her you’ve got something to show her on God TV and then hypnotize her with the following video:

Once she is in a deep trance, you can politely tell her to shut the fuck up and she’ll do whatever you say.

Things are mystical down there

Jeffie writes:

Two parter.

One:

I am on a plane to south america, and forgot my camera at home; is there anything I can do?

two:

I am addicted to seeking advice on the internet. Is that goodd or badd?

thanks for nothing, bad advice.

To which I respond:

One: Nope. I don’t think they have cameras where you’re going, and anyway I think things are so mystical down there that if you take pictures everything just shows up as hazy blobs (like ghosts), so don’t worry about it.

Two: In the old days, if a dad would catch his kid smoking, he’d make the kid smoke the whole pack so he’d never want a cigarette again until he was a bit older and his dad didn’t have a say in it. I recommend this sort of strategy with your advice addiction.