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Posts published in “Advice Column”

You don’t say that UNLESS…. You are new here! WELCOME <3

It’s not everyday that a new person comes to your area, or to be honest it might everyday but you don’t most likely get a chance to meet them and remain in your circle of people you know. It’s not that sad it’s pretty true though.

When a new person enters your inner sanctum you are both happy and scared, sometime resentful. You are like “well I do like this person in some ways, they are attractive physically to me but I fear they are more likable and perhaps accomplished than me and it makes me scared for my own security and success”.

But the best thing you can do is try to love them in your mind forever, to imagine them as a baby and how innocent and helpless they were. They are still like that but with the scars and weakness and habits of age. Even if they are well spoken or well read they will appreciate your kindness in some secret ways, even if they act as if kindness is meaningless to them.

One possible problem is that your kindness with make you look weak and stupid (not smart) but in this reporters opinion this is a dated fear from the 90’s.

So love everyone but touch no one and kill a pig with a single sword swipe you sick hungry nasty readers.
We love you!

Hard to believe you live like that

We are baffled tho, we feel completely on fire and also like…nothing, seriously though, drained of life force, yeah like, nothing at all. We’re watching in disbelieve like an out of body experience and like… we had to turn away. CAUSE in all seriousness it was TOO DISTURBING!!! Our flesh is failing! Our bone too 🙂

Seriously though, our flesh is falling off the bone. hahaha not really just like in a restaurant way.

We are announcing our new restaurant based on a video game!!!

Listen to us when we say: THIS MAGAZINE IS A” SUCCESS STORY”
It’S DIGITAL.
It has over 20,000 readers a day.
It is sexual.
It is at war.
It is using every color all the time to make you sick.
You feel sick right? And tired????!!! THAT’S us.

And you are reading it! You are one of our readers! The life in your blood and skin is dying but you are reading this magazine hahahahahahahaha. Thats like conquering you!!! Or owning you!!!! That’s like we got married hahahaha. You married a magazine and now you are living out your life wasting all your health but reading this shit.

but you know what?
THIS SHIT RULES!

maxresdefault

It’s LIKE another labor day over here!! we’re working hard and nothing is coming together, missing all the deadlines, but whatev!!!!! ORRRRR uhhhhh thats what it seems at first, at first glance and then we like play some early morning VIDEO GAMES and then get some food, the sense memories fade. we’re prime! come over and shine your light on us and help us desperately, give and take and we will both feed.

czech_refugees_from_the_sudetenland_1

DRUG TESTING ENFORCED

There will now be, upon decree and mandatory statute, DRUG TESTING @ FFF offices to ensure that less and less of the kinds of people we don’t want don’t walk thru our doors. It’s time to shut down the use of such substances in the office and we need to clean up the scene around here SO THAT we have less of this stuff flowing thru the septic and less powders on the table stool.

We are trying to write a MAGAZINE! WE ARE OLD NEWSPAPER MEN.

ONLY one person here plays anything other than guitar.

He is an ex molester or future one, i can’t remember.

IF we had had a drug test in effect at the time we could have AVOIDED all this diseases and suffering. BUT it was a bilateral descision and one not made lightly.

At the time.

What’s the buzz about?

Dear baddaddvice,

I got a haircut when I was back in Vancouver and it was fantastic. Unfortunately, I ended up with a shitty haircut (the haircut was fantastic because the woman cutting my hair pushed my head into her breasts a lot and they were really nice, big, soft breasts). So, tonight in camp I tried cutting my hair myself and I made something that was already bad, worse. There are no barbers here. What do I do!?!?!?!?!

To which I respond:

Buzz buzz buzz. Stop being a perv.

Just give in.

Dear baddaddvice,

I keep resorting to a friend of mine for advice. I am provided with advice that I usually like and try to follow. This is where it gets sticky, she writes a blog called baddaddvice. What does this mean about me? Am I a pawn to her evil tricks? Does a part of my own identity disappear every time I ask her for advice and follow it? What if I start asking her about work and it starts affecting my professional life? What if I start asking her about women and it starts affecting my love life? What if I start asking her about grammar and I start typing and talking like a buffoon? What if I ask her about my dream of one day having a ranch (close to her stupid commune so they can have my manure) and being a cowboy and she rejects that dream as silly and then I never follow it and then I regret it forever and ever and ever and on until the end of time and all time after that too!?!?!?!? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devotedly, loyally and submissively yours,

Angus

 

To which I respond:

Angus, if you are asking me about this and not someone else, it’s too late for you. Give in!

Also, is badd always bad? Is bad always bad? I give you a few examples for consideration:




Either way, you’re going to need an ice pick

For the Good of the Nation wrote:

Dear Baddaddvice,

What’s the best way to pull off lobotomizing a world leader? I have limited time and resources.

Thanks!

Image source: Polygon data are from BodyParts3D maintained by Life Science Databases(LSDB)

To which I respond:

Dear FTGOTN,

This task is much more difficult to execute than a straightforward assassination, and I would first of all advise you to ask yourself whether, with your limited time and resources, that might be the way to go.

If you have your heart set on lobotomy, the method I recommend is the so-called “ice pick method” pioneered by Walter Freeman. He developed the procedure so that it could be performed by non-surgeon workers in asylums, without access to an operating room. This means that it is probably simple enough to do yourself, and can be done anywhere with little risk to the patient, other than the obvious brain chopping.

All you will need is an icepick and a small rubber mallet. A rock would probably do. Insert the icepick under the top eyelid, behind the eyesocket. Tap it with the mallet to get through the thin layer of bone, and sweep from side to side. Repeat on the other eye. Easy!

In terms of getting away with it, that’s really going to depend on your own skills, but I would say wear all your black skintight clothing and get this person in their sleep in the dead of night. I don’t think the security of world leaders is as good as it’s hyped up to be, in general.

The best part about this plan is that an icepick can be used for either an assassination or a lobotomy, which means you can put off deciding which one you’re going to carry out until the situation demands it. Good luck!

Sources:
How Lobotomies Work, howstuffworks.com
Lobotomy – Walter Freeman, wikipedia.org

Cut through your ribs

Jeffie writes from Bolivia:

I NEEDD ADDVICE!!!!

so, I’ve gone out on dates with this girl for, like, 7 nights in a row, and I admit there is a language barrier, but I am pretty sure we like eachother.  Our first date was a month ago, and i go to her work for coffee everyday.   I have been pretty clear, saying things like “quiero ganar tu corazon”.

The problem is, as she told me on our first date “tengo novio, pero es lejos”.

I don’t understand whats going on with her, but I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love.  The thing is, relationships between men and women are so different here, and I’m so confused.

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

To which I respond:

Jeffie, you say that relationships are so different there, but how am I supposed to know anything about that? To try to crack into it, I looked up some Bolivian poets writing about love and relationships. I didn’t try that hard, but I found a few poems by Jaime Saenz which give enough of a glimpse about love to assume that’s how an entire country’s culture approaches it. Here are a few lines from his High Above the Dark City:

I’ll cut off a hand for each of her sighs I’ll gouge out an eye for each of her smiles
I’ll die once twice three times four times a thousand times
just to die on her lips
with a saw I’ll cut through my ribs to hand her my heart
with a needle I’ll draw out my best soul to give her a surprise
on Friday evenings
with the night air singing a song I propose to live for three hundred years
in the loveliness of her company.

Based on what he’s written, I would say that the general approach to courtship one takes in Bolivia is one of melodrama and hyperbole. Throw yourself at her, profess what you feel to the most extreme degree that you feel it and beyond. Also don’t forget to ask her the following question: “Cuando regresa tu novio?”
Interior chest cavity

Image from Stanford Medicine

Survival Skills

Angus wrote in via text message* with an urgent question. I’ve transcribed the exchange:

Angus: Dear baddaddvice: I’m at the American Museum of Natural History in NY which is closing very soon but I don’t ever want to leave. What do I do?

Angus: I’m running out of time here!!!!!!!!

baddaddvice: Ok I’m watching the trailer for night at the museum for tips!

 

baddaddvice: Befriend a kooky-looking old security guard

baddaddvice: Knock out another security guard and steal his clothes

baddaddvice: Get your hands on whatever weapons you can find before everything comes to life

baddaddvice: You good?

Angus: Done. Done. Done. This is going to be a wiiiiild ride!

baddaddvice: I think your best bet is a big battleaxe

baddaddvice: Practice your dinosaur-skeleton-fighting skills while you have the chance

Angus: I’m destuffing a bear and going inside. Will a bear holding a spear and an axe be a dead giveaway? Also these texts are costing me lots of money so please relay all further pieces of advice telepathically!

baddaddvice (sent telepathically): I think you are in good shape! But wait, what if the bear comes to life? Good luck!

 

*Text message advice is available to premium members only. For more information about premium membership, please email [email protected]

TIPS: Alcoholism can be cured with an acid trip

Image

Kitteh sez lay off the bottle – click for a trip you’ll never forget 

New Scientist: LSD as effective as standard treatment for alcoholism

So, according to some pretty old science being meta-analysed by new scientists, LSD is just as effective as other treatments for alcoholism. Real scientists say so! They still don’t know why, but some think that doing acid is “a bit like shaking up a snow globe” for your brain, resetting some of your entrenched neural patterns. Others think it’s the deep spiritual experience that does it.

The good news:

> Just one dose can be enough! Magic bullet cure.

> This method is great for self-medicating types, something many alcoholics will appreciate.

The bad news:

> You might have to go back in time to the 60s, when this research was originally done, to get the stuff that is good enough to do the job.

Deep Trance

Jess writes:

Dear bad advice,
My current landlady believes that I came to her for a reason. A reason other than cheap and clean accommodation. I have been sent here to be saved by the power of jesus christ and it’s up to her to save me.  For weeks I have been politely nodding and even asking a question or two as she pushes books and religion on me. She tells me that practicing yoga is witch craft and god will punish me with nose bleeds. Actually as I have been writing this she came into my room to inform me about something on god tv. She is a sweet old lady who wants what she thinks is the best for me but it’s driving me crazy. How can I politely tell her to shut the fuck up?

To which I respond:

I’m going to go ahead and assume you already told her that you are a witch, and that the last time someone tried to pull this stunt on you, you threw their box of bibles in the bonfire. If this is so, and she’s still coming after you, you’re going to have to step it up. I think your best bet is to use your powers directly against hers. Tell her you’ve got something to show her on God TV and then hypnotize her with the following video:

Once she is in a deep trance, you can politely tell her to shut the fuck up and she’ll do whatever you say.

Things are mystical down there

Jeffie writes:

Two parter.

One:

I am on a plane to south america, and forgot my camera at home; is there anything I can do?

two:

I am addicted to seeking advice on the internet. Is that goodd or badd?

thanks for nothing, bad advice.

To which I respond:

One: Nope. I don’t think they have cameras where you’re going, and anyway I think things are so mystical down there that if you take pictures everything just shows up as hazy blobs (like ghosts), so don’t worry about it.

Two: In the old days, if a dad would catch his kid smoking, he’d make the kid smoke the whole pack so he’d never want a cigarette again until he was a bit older and his dad didn’t have a say in it. I recommend this sort of strategy with your advice addiction.

Del Shannon Doherty

Del Shannon Doherty wrote in the form of a photo and a song:
Del Shannon Doherty

I can’t embed the song but please listen:
Del Shannon Doherty question

To which I respond: Well Del, did you even go look for her? What if she didn’t run away but was actually abducted and no one even tried to get her back? Make some posters, hit the streets, employ all the detective tactics you know and get your girl back where she belongs – here by you. Stop reading and go!

Everyone’s a racist, if you think about it.

Erin writes: 

To begin-what do i do about an insatiable attraction to watching Bill Cosby adds on youtube about Jello? Is it weird that I prefer green Jello over red Jello? Is this a form of racism? What if this Jello ‘appetite’ leaves me dreaming of swimming in greem Jello, is there a no name brand I should consider to better aid in my personal diversity?
To end-what does racism mean? Am I ‘odd’ or a bad speller because I had to use dictionary.com twice in this post? What does post mean? What’s a dictionary?
And furthermore-should I think about pudding more?

 To which I respond: Look closely at the first half of your first sentence; is this really about Jello? Did you ever consider the possibility that you’re just in love with Bill Cosby? Did you ever consider that being so over-concerned with being a racist is racist? Just eat your jello. Green is the most delicious, no biggie.
 
On another note, urbandictionary.com tends to be more helpful for this type of problem than dictionary.com.
 
 

This calls for a foot race

Tommy writes: i am living in toronto trying to focus on my photography.  but it’s tough making ends meet, and i am not very interested in the ‘starving-artist’ life.  if i go planting it gives me a chance of making enough capitol to get me through the winter, but it takes me away from the studio and the chance to pursue galleries and clients.  should i go planting?  or should i tough out a low income life and focus on producing work?

also, i have a dog who thinks she’s faster than yours.  she has an ego problem.  what should i do?

To which I respond: It’s entirely possible to become successful as an artist while paying the bills. Refer to this article about how T.S. Eliot continued to work as a banker even after his poems earned respect and recognition. When you are poor and starving, you wither away in whatever corner of a shelter you can afford, and gradually become unable to interact with anyone who eats three square meals a day. Pretty soon, the social skills that are so valuable for advancing your career are as emaciated as your ribcage, and things just go downhill from there. You have to get money, and one of the only ways to do that is treeplanting, so you’d probably better go.

As for the dog who thinks she’s faster than mine, there’s only one way to find out: foot race! And you’d better hurry, cause Mona’s getting faster by the day.