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FFF Magazine

Survival Skills

Angus wrote in via text message* with an urgent question. I’ve transcribed the exchange:

Angus: Dear baddaddvice: I’m at the American Museum of Natural History in NY which is closing very soon but I don’t ever want to leave. What do I do?

Angus: I’m running out of time here!!!!!!!!

baddaddvice: Ok I’m watching the trailer for night at the museum for tips!


baddaddvice: Befriend a kooky-looking old security guard

baddaddvice: Knock out another security guard and steal his clothes

baddaddvice: Get your hands on whatever weapons you can find before everything comes to life

baddaddvice: You good?

Angus: Done. Done. Done. This is going to be a wiiiiild ride!

baddaddvice: I think your best bet is a big battleaxe

baddaddvice: Practice your dinosaur-skeleton-fighting skills while you have the chance

Angus: I’m destuffing a bear and going inside. Will a bear holding a spear and an axe be a dead giveaway? Also these texts are costing me lots of money so please relay all further pieces of advice telepathically!

baddaddvice (sent telepathically): I think you are in good shape! But wait, what if the bear comes to life? Good luck!


*Text message advice is available to premium members only. For more information about premium membership, please email [email protected]

TIPS: Alcoholism can be cured with an acid trip


Kitteh sez lay off the bottle – click for a trip you’ll never forget 

New Scientist: LSD as effective as standard treatment for alcoholism

So, according to some pretty old science being meta-analysed by new scientists, LSD is just as effective as other treatments for alcoholism. Real scientists say so! They still don’t know why, but some think that doing acid is “a bit like shaking up a snow globe” for your brain, resetting some of your entrenched neural patterns. Others think it’s the deep spiritual experience that does it.

The good news:

> Just one dose can be enough! Magic bullet cure.

> This method is great for self-medicating types, something many alcoholics will appreciate.

The bad news:

> You might have to go back in time to the 60s, when this research was originally done, to get the stuff that is good enough to do the job.

Deep Trance

Jess writes:

Dear bad advice,
My current landlady believes that I came to her for a reason. A reason other than cheap and clean accommodation. I have been sent here to be saved by the power of jesus christ and it’s up to her to save me.  For weeks I have been politely nodding and even asking a question or two as she pushes books and religion on me. She tells me that practicing yoga is witch craft and god will punish me with nose bleeds. Actually as I have been writing this she came into my room to inform me about something on god tv. She is a sweet old lady who wants what she thinks is the best for me but it’s driving me crazy. How can I politely tell her to shut the fuck up?

To which I respond:

I’m going to go ahead and assume you already told her that you are a witch, and that the last time someone tried to pull this stunt on you, you threw their box of bibles in the bonfire. If this is so, and she’s still coming after you, you’re going to have to step it up. I think your best bet is to use your powers directly against hers. Tell her you’ve got something to show her on God TV and then hypnotize her with the following video:

Once she is in a deep trance, you can politely tell her to shut the fuck up and she’ll do whatever you say.

Things are mystical down there

Jeffie writes:

Two parter.


I am on a plane to south america, and forgot my camera at home; is there anything I can do?


I am addicted to seeking advice on the internet. Is that goodd or badd?

thanks for nothing, bad advice.

To which I respond:

One: Nope. I don’t think they have cameras where you’re going, and anyway I think things are so mystical down there that if you take pictures everything just shows up as hazy blobs (like ghosts), so don’t worry about it.

Two: In the old days, if a dad would catch his kid smoking, he’d make the kid smoke the whole pack so he’d never want a cigarette again until he was a bit older and his dad didn’t have a say in it. I recommend this sort of strategy with your advice addiction.

Del Shannon Doherty

Del Shannon Doherty wrote in the form of a photo and a song:
Del Shannon Doherty

I can’t embed the song but please listen:
Del Shannon Doherty question

To which I respond: Well Del, did you even go look for her? What if she didn’t run away but was actually abducted and no one even tried to get her back? Make some posters, hit the streets, employ all the detective tactics you know and get your girl back where she belongs – here by you. Stop reading and go!

Everyone’s a racist, if you think about it.

Erin writes: 

To begin-what do i do about an insatiable attraction to watching Bill Cosby adds on youtube about Jello? Is it weird that I prefer green Jello over red Jello? Is this a form of racism? What if this Jello ‘appetite’ leaves me dreaming of swimming in greem Jello, is there a no name brand I should consider to better aid in my personal diversity?
To end-what does racism mean? Am I ‘odd’ or a bad speller because I had to use twice in this post? What does post mean? What’s a dictionary?
And furthermore-should I think about pudding more?

 To which I respond: Look closely at the first half of your first sentence; is this really about Jello? Did you ever consider the possibility that you’re just in love with Bill Cosby? Did you ever consider that being so over-concerned with being a racist is racist? Just eat your jello. Green is the most delicious, no biggie.
On another note, tends to be more helpful for this type of problem than

This calls for a foot race

Tommy writes: i am living in toronto trying to focus on my photography.  but it’s tough making ends meet, and i am not very interested in the ‘starving-artist’ life.  if i go planting it gives me a chance of making enough capitol to get me through the winter, but it takes me away from the studio and the chance to pursue galleries and clients.  should i go planting?  or should i tough out a low income life and focus on producing work?

also, i have a dog who thinks she’s faster than yours.  she has an ego problem.  what should i do?

To which I respond: It’s entirely possible to become successful as an artist while paying the bills. Refer to this article about how T.S. Eliot continued to work as a banker even after his poems earned respect and recognition. When you are poor and starving, you wither away in whatever corner of a shelter you can afford, and gradually become unable to interact with anyone who eats three square meals a day. Pretty soon, the social skills that are so valuable for advancing your career are as emaciated as your ribcage, and things just go downhill from there. You have to get money, and one of the only ways to do that is treeplanting, so you’d probably better go.

As for the dog who thinks she’s faster than mine, there’s only one way to find out: foot race! And you’d better hurry, cause Mona’s getting faster by the day.