GUEST writers!! Everyone listen, we’ve got extra writers in the office FOR ONE NIGHT!

5 puddings, I thought it was one thing but it became another.

Ingredients:

One birthday, 3 friends around the hard table, rose water, cream of ice (one gallon), lots and lots of sugar (to taste).

It was a close call after we extinguished our dead red steaks, that we would even make it to Brian’s house for the after party. Jen only turns 35 once and that means for big celebrations. As tired as we were digesting our animals, we shlogged our booted feet throw the fluffy snow, me with socks, Jen with none. Half way there she pulled up the leg of her pants and showed me her bare ankle. She remarked “actually I didnt even pull up the leg of my pants, there are actually just short. Too short. But Im not cold….” . “Thank God, I said.”

Got to Brians and he closelined us with a beautiful twine sign which we read out loud ” Jay Eee Enn” !!!!! soon the pudding was everywhere and no one was asking questions. We sat down and Brian started to creep us out a little as he insisted we drop a little rose water in each bowl. We were suspicious and after adding couple scoops coffee ice cream and a teeny bit of decaf coffee fresh from the new exspresso machine, we wanted to stop adding to the pudding. It looked fine thanks. We tested it with tongues as innocent as the morning dew and hell did it ever come through!! But in the end, we were guests of Barron Brian Rose and so took a drop of rose water and stirred it deep into the pudding. What started out tasty, quickly became world famous not only in our minds but in our mouths, our hearts and human kind.

Byline: KARA KEITH

 

Your Meal Has Been Prepared and It’s Time 2 Dine!

“I can’t be near you, the light just radiates.”

When you perish, the moment all goes dark blank, and blood covered angels float in to sing sweet lullaby in your deaf ears as blood gushes out of your eyes slo mo and mouth dries up and your heart pounds then explodes a lil and everyone standing in the room, that cared for you, liked you a little, realizes you’re disappearing and they’re not but that they’ll continue in the conscious material world but you’ll not be there, that’s the moment this article is about!!

It’s insane, no wild, just absurd I suppose, to imagine that the angels will sing anything other than the song Malibu, NO NOT THAT ONE! hahahaha, alright alright, FOR YOU I’ll paste both and you can compare on a as needed basis.

This author for one plans to be there for that glorious moment and to never leave!! You glorious and nasty important waste of space!

BRIAN

Daniel Day Lewis, NA NA NA NA, You sir R becoming the star we were once waiting for, but please sir, GET OFF THE STAGE of film! Have you no feelings to draw inspiration from!?? This author salutes you

I am live tweeting this post as I type it. I am watching gang of new york on my phone and the other one is on the tv, my left foot. OH WAIT last of the mohicans??!??! COME ON?! Lewis, day lewis?

I see you as an actor of great stature and I need you to continue to play characters live on the film!
But his relationship with these two actresses is so interesting and their friendships are fantastic!

We celebrate each other, bind ourselves internal joinery, to one another, fused and welded and melted like in a pan, but also WHEN YOU ARE READY come get this opened invitation to your own death squad. What is your weapon of choice?

Brian Dashel Rose Mcgowan

You don’t say that UNLESS…. You are new here! WELCOME <3

It’s not everyday that a new person comes to your area, or to be honest it might everyday but you don’t most likely get a chance to meet them and remain in your circle of people you know. It’s not that sad it’s pretty true though.

When a new person enters your inner sanctum you are both happy and scared, sometime resentful. You are like “well I do like this person in some ways, they are attractive physically to me but I fear they are more likable and perhaps accomplished than me and it makes me scared for my own security and success”.

But the best thing you can do is try to love them in your mind forever, to imagine them as a baby and how innocent and helpless they were. They are still like that but with the scars and weakness and habits of age. Even if they are well spoken or well read they will appreciate your kindness in some secret ways, even if they act as if kindness is meaningless to them.

One possible problem is that your kindness with make you look weak and stupid (not smart) but in this reporters opinion this is a dated fear from the 90’s.

So love everyone but touch no one and kill a pig with a single sword swipe you sick hungry nasty readers.
We love you!

Oh wow nasty you are – TAPE

We are a fantastic magazine meant for these actual ages. We were the first to leak this freaky tape about haha lust and ewww haha. But seriously you sick fucks over at The Pornographic, you aren’t even alone right now!! nothing but “distain for” and “proud to announce”. Or maybe you are alone? Well you certainly are, in most all ways except the thumb sucking ones.

FFF Magazine was the first publication in a long line of hack publications to report about the use of the phrase “sorry not sorry”. And now it’s everywhere!! Seriously though, admit, you have heard that phrase!! It’s Sunday, not a good day to be reporting but this is big and it can’t wait.

We are just a group of old newspaper men. And THIS is our paper.

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